Things Confuse Me

Personality

This is fan-art someone made for me for a story I’m writing…and it happens to capture my inner dynamic quite well. Imagine these two living in my brain 24/7. Except with more talking and moving around.

When I envisioned this post, I did so as an exploration of the entire spectrum of quirks/traits/categorizations out there in the world (and maybe even for undiscovered traits). But I kept running across a problem: personality, predictably, confuses me. I’ve analyzed the spectrum so many times that I don’t know what it means anymore. So what I’ve decided is simply to explore my own. Maybe then I can present myself to people as something simpler/more complex than “I am what I am”. Maybe then I’ll be brave enough to seek people out just enough to get what I need from those I revere…to actually be a part of their lives in a way I like instead of in a way I tolerate.

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Transformation

I’ve been doing a lot of it lately. If I were to illustrate just how much I’ve changed since I hit puberty, I would need about six months of research and deliberation to express it all. I suppose the best way to say it would be…

I used to be an unintelligible, assuming/unassuming, belligerent, hateful, escapist, bitter, meek, gender-confused, existentialist (as much as a kid could get), and greedy little brat. Gradually, I’ve been replacing that with a relevant, open-minded, critical, caring, quick-witted, isolated, philosophy-passionate, eager, sassy, and somewhat inscrutable…hipster?

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Ponies, Part 2

I actually meant to post this in the first one, but it got away from me. That’s not unusual. But anyway, I keep seeing the hype for the season finale…and at one point, it made me burst into tears.

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It’s Me

I have no idea if anyone will see this…and I guess that’s okay. What I really need is something to look at and say I’ve processed. So I guess I’ll start off with the first subject.

I don’t really get me sometimes.

I’m a gay, Aspergic man child living in Texas. I want to find somebody to love, but something always seems to stop me. Maybe I don’t know how to reach out, maybe I doubt myself too much, but by the end of my inner ramblings nothing changes.

I feel like I understand everything I need to in order to please people. Hell, I understand what it takes to be completely amazing. But when I try to express that understanding, it gets blurred into something just…good. Okay. Part of what makes the world good. And I hate it.

I know that schizophrenia sufferers sometimes entertain magical thinking. I know it’s not the same thing, but I do believe my thoughts have an impact on the world around me. It’s like if I maintain a realistic outlook, then life will go as I predict; similarly, if life appears to be moving in a certain direction, my mood will change to make a prediction. But then I just shake my head and distract myself.

I’ve just realized that I revealed a lot about myself for a first post. And I really don’t mind. But I mind that I don’t mind.

I know I’m not normal, and I know it’s normal to sometimes feel like you’re not normal. But often I don’t feel like I’m abnormal. Is that normal?

As rambling as this is, I want to make it clear that…I just forgot. I forgot what I was going to write. It’s kind of funny, really. I get it, then I lose it again. Anyway, whatever I write here is subject to change over time. But I can already feel how some things won’t change at all. I’m pretty sure that’s normal, but I don’t want to commit.

I just thought to myself, “this is going to be interesting.” Maybe it won’t. But I know it’s important to who I am. We’ll just have to see…or not.